Every now and again, I begin to write, knowing the actions or feelings I'm about to write about may not reflect well upon the Baha'i community as a whole. This is when I'm proudest of my community, because they remember that we're all human, and none of us has completed the process of perfecting ourselves, or we needn't be a part of this world any longer.
That having been said, this is one of those posts.
I spent the other night walking aimlessly for 4 hours, spending some of it crying. I am overwhelmed right now, and that is just part of life today for me. I had a moment, as I was venting on the phone to Tank, when my own words struck me with such profound truth, a Mack Truck may have made less of a dent. I don't always understand what I'm feeling before the words come pouring out. I suppose this is why I write.
"When will it be my turn to be irresponsible and have fun?" I demanded out loud. My caretaker nature, it seems, has worn on me a bit in the 2 years I've spent in Korea.
Last night, I let myself lose control. I went out with two people I adore and trust- Pirate Lady and Jitterbug- and had a blast. I didn't touch a drop of alcohol, though I will admit, lately, I've felt more temptation than I have in a while. I rode the mechanical bull that's temporarily on post, twice, and I have the bruised, scratched thighs to prove it, hit Saint's bar, then went downtown to dance. I had a ball. We grabbed some Greek food- delicious- and went to a little hole-in-the-wall bar that was almost empty. I danced with Pirate Lady, and with Jitterbug, and with the DJ. The DJ got me dancing with a partner, in a way I didn't think I could. He was very sweet, though he didn't seem ridiculously comfortable with me, and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I got home early this afternoon (yes, you read that right) and I'm feeling so high. I really needed to let loose last night, and that's exactly what I did. I'm so blessed to have friends who can go out with me like that and have fun, and not get inappropriately drunk or stupid, and be there for me. And to think that Pirate Lady almost didn't come out with me last night....
Interesting side note, Rock Star has been texting me again. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I know my feelings surrounding him mostly center on the feeling of being used and lied to. I don't really feel like I ever got past that, but, well, I never really even got an apology for it, either, which is why I moved on in the first place.
...And the beat rolls on.
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