Bright Eyes

So, back in high school (yes, it's been a decade since I attended school... *sigh*) there was a boy, we'll call him Bright Eyes.
He was goofy and silly and sweet, and, unfortunately, a teenage boy.
Fast-forward to present day.

I have had him on my Facebook for a little bit now, and have slowly but surely realized how much we have in common. He is an absolutely incredible person. He's a great Daddy, a very handsome man, and, as it turns out, a wonderful friend.

Jitterbug had expressed to me something I knew to be true, but something that I'm not sure I'd ever heard expressed in so many words- it is incredibly important to feel your other half is your best friend.

I've questioned my own worth a million times. I've questioned my own ability to have a healthy relationship since the first time my mother told me I would be incapable of such a feat. I've questioned my ability to remain faithful to someone for longer than I care to consider. My heart rules everything, and, for the longest time, fear has ruled my heart.

I remember exactly one case where someone interested in me followed my blog. That was pretty special to me. Bright Eyes has been following it (despite some minor confusion on the use of RSS feeds and Google Reader) since long before this evolved into, well, what it is right now. He's been interested in my life, in my words, since before it served him any purpose. That alone has been a huge source of pride for me. Looking at my followers list and seeing his face made me smile more times than is probably sane. He remembers my dark days- and he cared about me then, raging hormones aside.

He tells me I'm beautiful. We can talk about God. We can have hours of intelligent (or completely hysterical, in some cases) conversation. He may have the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen. (I guess even dorks can make pretty babies, huh?) I'm touched and blown away by him.

I've been sitting here, asking God when He was going to explain all of this to me, show me why I went through everything I have, questioning things... I've been hurting so much, feeling like I would never be the woman I wanted to be, never mind a woman to someone else... And now, I look at all of this, and see that, despite my short comings, despite my fears about love and relationships, despite my plainly human fallibility, there is someone who cares about me in a way I can't quite put to words... And, while it is so scary to feel so much so fast, and probably a superstitious no-no to say it all, this is the man I want to be that good woman to.

I've been through my Bad Girlfriend stage, I've been wild, I've been free, and I have been ridiculously lonely. Here I am, in New Mexico, once again sharing a roof with my father, this time to help him, instead of me, and with nothing but fresh start laid out before me. I have all the power to make this time different. I have learned what it takes to set those boundaries and make those rules. All that's been missing is someone I wanted to make them for.

Bright Eyes, I hope I haven't said too much. You've been reading this long enough to know I pour my heart and soul into my writing. If this is too much and it scares you, I'm sorry. I'm not good at hiding my emotion, and that is both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. Please forgive me for saying it all this way, instead of telling you more directly. Speaking is not my greatest strength, despite it's existence in my life as a strong habit.