Grief

I'm numb, and lost, and confused.
I don't want it all to be true.
I go back n forth between emotions and numbness, between anger and sadness, between acceptance and denial. I suppose any knowledgeable grief counselor would tell me this is perfectly normal. I'm sure any half-shined grief counselor would try to put me on meds for being bipolar or something the way I feel.
One minute I'm hungry, the next I'm too numb to feel much of anything. I've been awake for hours, but haven't made it out of bed for longer than the 5 minutes it took to use the bathroom and come right back.
I talked to Bright Eyes on the phone for a bit this morning. He's being an absolute angel right now, helping me heal this horrible pain. He knew Danger, too, longer than me, though not as intimately.

My heart is absolutely aching. I feel sick to my stomach half the time, and now I am back to crying. Tumbleweed made a comment about suicide in jest, because he has been feeling like hell for so long, but I know he did not realize how much it hurt to hear it right now. My heart is so heavy.

Danger had told me he was going to send me off the package he'd meant to send when we were together about two weeks before he died. Today, Tumbleweed and I came home to a missed package note from the mail, and it made me feel so sick. I don't know if Danger did send it or not, but I know only one thing of the many that are supposed to be in the package- my engagement ring. The one I have never seen. The thought of opening a package he prepared for me so long ago is overwhelming. I miss him and I want him to come back. It's so hard to feel the way I do about him right now. Part of me wants to start the bargaining bit that I know goes with grief and tell God I'd give up everything I have right now to have him back around, just because this hurts so bad... I know it's all part of the normal grieving process, but that intellectual knowledge does not help the emotional misery.

Once again, the tears won't stop.

Danger was among my closest friends. There was so much frustration in my heart surrounding my love for him. I never could completely understand it all, but the closest I came was in an email I sent him the day he passed away. (Lord, was that really only yesterday?) I'll never know if he read it, and I suppose it's better that I don't. My traditionally Catholic sense of guilt is tearing me apart already. If I'd married him, he'd have had insurance, and maybe then he would have gone to the hospital when he should have. Maybe my email upset him and that's why he had the asthma attack. The pain in my heart is so heavy.

I know what I have with Bright Eyes is what was meant to be all along, but part of me wants what I've known for so long back that I... well, it's always easier to have what you're used to than what's right for you, isn't it? None the less, I miss him horribly and I want him back in my world more than anything I've ever known....

The tears feel like they'll never stop.