Walking In The Dark

I started walking towards the bar where Saint works. It's not especially close, but it's not too far away, either. It took me about half an hour to get there, but when I got to that intersection, well, I wasn't done walking. I took a right, and kept walking. I walked down town, which took me over an hour, I think, and walked around down there. I walked to the square, found a bench, and sat down to read for a little bit. When I tired of being stared at, I got up and started walking back. It started raining at some point, got going pretty hard about the time I started crying, and let up after a bit. I hadn't brought an umbrella- I never have cared much for them- so I was a bit wet.

I was coming up on the gate for post when I started hearing three familiar voices yelling my name. I didn't want to see anyone. One of those voices was Honor. He was probably the last person I wanted to see. He yelled my last name over and over- oh, how I tire of being called by my last name- and I must have yelled at them to leave me alone (expletives deleted) about six times. He ran up on me, yelling that I couldn't just blow him off like that, and demanding to know what was wrong. When I gave him the obligatory "It's none of your business", he told me it was. I called my brother, and I use this term loosely for him now, and told him I was going to come to his room, because some people didn't understand that I meant it when I said leave me alone. (Honor was standing right there, of course, and kept right on yelling through my phone call.)

I didn't go to anyone's room, but hid and cried for a bit.

I want privacy. I want love. I want someone to hold me right now. I want to know if this is shock from knowing I'm about to leave the place I've lived longer than any other. I want to know if this is hormonal or from the pain of the past. I want to know if this is stress about what I'm about to face. I can't filter through all of this, I can't figure out what this was/is/will be.

I yelled at Tank tonight. He didn't deserve it, but I needed someone to listen so desperately, but he couldn't be that person, and I was angry over it. I've been there for him, I've been exactly what he needed me to be, no questions asked, but he didn't know how to handle me, he got upset.

I feel really alone tonight, and really confused. I managed to hide all of this from Saint, though not by much. He suspected something was up when I text him to tell him I wouldn't be at the bar, that I was walking around alone. At first he thought I was lost. I tried to explain that I just had to clear my head, though I'm not sure it sounded as rational as I wanted it to.

It's when I'm at my lowest that I want someone to be able to open up to, someone to hold me. It's also when I'm there that I push everyone away hard as I'm able.
I don't want to be alone tonight.