Danger & Peace

It's been a very rough day. This morning I woke up feeling sick, and more than a little cranky. I went out to lunch with my dad, which was a lesson in patience because of my horrible mood. I came home, and got to talk to Bright Eyes for a bit, which made me quickly realize I know nothing of patience- the man is amazing with his not-quite-five year old daughter. After a nap, my phone rang, and it was Bright Eyes again. He asked if I had checked my Facebook recently. I'd said no, then he said I might want to- no, he decided out loud- I might NOT want to.
My friend of so many years and one-time fiancee has passed away. He had an asthma attack and couldn't be revived once he went into respiratory arrest. I went through the 7 stages of grieving in 3 hours flat, and am sitting plainly at numb just now. Bright Eyes and I have concluded this is temporary, but no less scary for it's impermanence. I cried for quite some time, and felt the need to be outside, with nature. I drove. I drove to the town I was born in, through a hell of a thunderstorm, with my window down, and it hit me; the perfect method of healing, a tattoo.

This may sound absolutely insane to anyone who is either a) not tattooed themselves or b) not aware that I am heavily tattooed, but it makes perfect sense to me. Danger was a tattoo artist, and musician. It didn't take long for me to know what I wanted, though it took me a bit longer to find a tattoo shop while trolling the streets of my hometown. (I haven't been here in 12 years.) I found a very nice, extremely talented and well-versed tattoo artist, and am quite pleased with the work- and my decision.

I'm blown away by my understanding of what I needed to do to heal. I am sure there is more to come, but, for now, I am proud of my visible progress.

I miss Ryan fiercely and am more than a little overcome with emotions about this situation. I have no doubt that there will be more to follow on all of this when I am not numb and exhausted.