Dream

Well, I can whine about the way my life has been all I want, but that's not really going to make much of a difference, now, is it?

I'm working on a new dream plan thingamajig.

I guess, really, I'm revising the story of my life, cuz I'm pretty tired of it going like it has been.

My faith has become far more important to me in recent months, and continues to become more so. I am immensely proud of my faith, and am still becoming stronger because of it.

I have a friend who I've adored for quite some time, and, now that he's getting rid of the Perma-Preg, we're back to joking about ending up together. I don't know what the end result of this will be. At a point in my life when I realize how hard it is to find someone who cares about me AND is willing to stick around, he is the wildcard.

Frankly, I'm just ready to settle down. My ex-husband is a good guy, but we were never meant to be forever. I can't say that I miss him, so much as I miss being married. I miss knowing that there was someone who was connected to me in a way that meant what I went through, he went through. Even if we fought, I knew he was mine and I was his, and that there was no simple on and off switch like in most relationships. I know there were things we both needed to do better, but I miss not going it alone.

Accepting that some people aren't going to be the people I want them to be is hard. It's a part of life, though, and I know that there are reasons for each and every one of them. I'm moving on, one day at a time, wondering what life has left in store for me.

I have a better and better idea of what I want in life-a nursing degree, a family, a life with a focus on my Faith... I can see more clearly now what my marriage will need to be comprised of, and how to get it there. I'm learning, though letting go may always be the hard part for me.

I sent an email to my ex-fiancée today. I can't really say why, as it's been a while since we spoke, and I really would be lying if I said I thought it could ever be a good idea to be with him again. He seemed perfect, but he was more like perfectly manipulative. Supposedly, there are still three care packages floating around in the mail for me somewhere- one with my engagement ring in it. No, I don't believe it for one second, and it embarrasses me that I ever did.

How can I be so confused about so much, but still know what I want?