Perfect

I lie in bed, curled up on my side, the blanket tucked around me.

"Burrito," I think to myself, remembering what my Carnie said the other night when I spoke to him through Yahoo.

I snuggle in deeper and ask myself why I am reaching out for a friend when reaching out for a friend is what got me here. It hurts, I know, but this is the time when I have to break the cycle. Rock Star won't be back, I doubt he'll call, and I've removed him from my IM so I'm not so tempted to reach out to him. I just don't want to hurt anymore, and I don't want to force myself into someone's life in a way I'm not wanted there.

This is the time, when the pain cuts the deepest, when the world tells me I'm not worth it, when it echoes those words I heard for so many years as a child, THIS is the time when I need to be alone, and depend on God and myself alone. This is the time when I am going to give in too easily to another's influence and end up right back here because of that.

I want to be loved, but I don't want to sacrifice my soul to have that. It had the beginning of a fairy tale, but I'm too old for fairy tales. I can handle hard work and compromise, so long as there's a reason, an end point, a goal.

I took this picture the first night we went out together, two people in a group. "Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction."

This quote was scrawled on a bar wall. Now the true meaning of it hits me all too clearly.

We didn't want the same thing, and I knew that. I was just playing the fool, all the while saying I'm tired of playing.

He read the last entry, so I'm sure he's given up on whatever this could have been. He more or less blew me off with a 'whatever you say' and I refuse to push it. If he doesn't want me in his life, I won't be there.

I won't call my friend, even though I know he'll hold me until the pain stops, if I let him. I won't call the guy on the first floor who's been trying for that night in my bed, and I won't call that annoying kid on the second floor who follows me around like a puppy dog. I won't even complain to the new guy who's been so good to me. I'll suck it up and hold it in, because they aren't the ones who need to handle it. It's between me and God, and I need to learn to depend a lot more on Him and a lot less on them.

Maybe this is what you were sent here to teach me, Rock Star, maybe I was wrong all along. If you even bother to read this, I wish you the best, and you'll be in my prayers, even if I never hear from you again.