This Place

This is my anthem right now. Eminem's Not Afraid. It's off his newest album, and, well, I'm feeling this dude right now. It's nice when there's an artist who's on the same page as me right when I need a ray of light.

I need to stop this, right now. I was doing really well without letting guys get involved in my life, and I was really proud of myself at that point. Now, I'm back to struggling to avoid being with someone. Some people have told me I won't be happy til I learn to be alone, while one or two others (the minority) have told me that some of us are just that way- we're never happy when we're alone, and they've reassured me that it doesn't mean I'll never find the right one.

None the less, a certain infatard, as inappropriate as I felt it was, saying I have more relationship drama than anyone he knows, well, he wasn't wrong, even if he was wrong for how he said it.

I let people in, and it hurts me more than it hurts most people when they aren't what they seem to be.

I need to go it alone for a while, I need to rely on myself and my friends only, nobody else. If someone can't handle just being my friend, well, they didn't deserve me anyway.

I'm writing a lot more lately, and it's helping my emotions and my control of them.

I feel like I'm running on autopilot more often than not these last few days. Work is a joke, and I don't even care. I have short timers, and I'm just ready to be the hell out of this place. The people don't care, and I've stopped pretending they're supposed to. There are five people who listen when I talk, but I don't work directly with any of them, but wish I'd realized how they have my back before this late in the game, because two of them have enough rank to really help me if I need it. One of them, I really thought was looking at me the wrong way for a long time, but I'm starting to see a little more clearly. When you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail, I guess. After what I've been through, I forget that not everyone sees everyone else sexually. I knew sex before I knew love, so this is a concept it's still very difficult for me to grasp. I remember being 6 years old and imagining why two adults had gone into another room to speak privately. In retrospect, it probably never had anything to do with that, but as a child, that was what I understood better than normal interpersonal relationships.

Eighteen years later, I'm still struggling with this.