Missing You, Missing Me

I wonder sometimes how much of my writing is simply to vent and express myself and how much is to try to convey a message to someone.

It's not always anyone in particular, but other times it is.

I'm above begging, pleading, hell... Sometimes I'm even above asking.

If you say you're one way, it's not my place to question you or argue with you. My lack of protest in no way, shape or form indicates agreement, which maybe is where the male vs female thing comes in. Guys argue when they don't like something, they fight for what they care about. Women, or, at least me, tend to try to suck it up and pretend it doesn't hurt until it either goes away or it hurts so much that there's no pretending anymore.

I've been going back and forth a lot lately.

There were rules I'd set out for myself that I've broken recently, for someone who I honestly don't believe cares about me enough to be worth broken rules.

Then again, someone who really cares, probably wouldn't have needed me to break rules.

Public or bust. I don't hide my relationships/actions, and if I do, it's not because I need to, it's because I choose to. I don't keep people off my profile for any reason other than the fact that I genuinely don't care for them. I sure as hell don't lie about my reasons for doing so, (yup, you know that one's at you with 80 people on your profile, up 5 since you first told me it was restricted to "Family Only"). I don't want to talk right now, I don't want to fight, because, frankly, what's the use in fighting with someone who doesn't care enough to acknowledge your relationship as exactly what it is- a relationship?

I'm not going to lie to myself and say this is just for fun, because I don't give the parts of myself I did just for fun. It was my mistake to open myself up to someone that soon, before they had the chance to realize all I'm worth.

I am worth being acknowledged.

I am worth more than being hidden.

I am worth being loved.

I am worth fighting for.

I am worth promises.

I am worth the truth.

I am worth your heart.

I am worth more than you're willing to give me.

The last time I felt these things, the conversation wasn't seen through. I won't risk that again. One person in my life knows who you are besides you, so if you're offended that I spilled my guts here, well, I'm worth that, too.

Nobody else knows who I'm talking about, they only know me, and they only know what I'm going through. You see, to everyone but me, you're of no consequence, because you chose that. I allowed you to hide me from the world because you 'weren't ready' and, frankly, I agree.

You're not ready for a woman like me.

It's too bad, too.

Because I was willing to give almost anything for a man like you.