How much of my behavior has been dictated by the way she raised me, by the things she taught me when I was just starting to understand my responsibilities to this world?
How many attitudes, beliefs and habits are my own because of the excuses, the lies, the nonsense I was fed?
How will I ever know?
I asked Rock Star the other day if he knew what Münchhausen's disease was. He said 'Yeah, Eminem's mom had that.'
...What? How did I miss this?
I play 'Cleaning Out My Closet' and, sure as hell, he says it in no uncertain terms.
It's been stuck in my brain these last few weeks that there's something left to heal in that situation. I'm just not sure what. I sent her a Mother's Day card this year, though I've spoken to her twice in almost 3 years now, and it's been almost that long since I've seen her. It was almost selfish reasons, though. I made a comment about being sober for over a year, as March 21st was a year, and, well, it's way past due for her to sober up, too. My sister is convinced she's sober, me, less so. I've heard it before. The bottle of Listerine in her car, the midnight sobbing sessions after a couple bottles of wine, the 'dizzy spells' when she couldn't seem to walk straight, the nights she drove home drunk with my sister and I in her car... I wonder how much of this my sister remembers. She was young through the worst times, but I can't tell how much she understands some days. I suppose it's all just normal to her, but she still hasn't escaped that hell hole of a state, at least not long enough to see what the rest of the world is like.
I've been sober for more than a year. The cravings only come when I lose control of my emotions, but I expect them now, I'm prepared for them.
For all the parts of my life that simply aren't what I want them to be-lack of husband, child, college degree, etc- I've come a hell of a long way. Nobody can take that from me.
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