Or Was It All A Dream?

I'm not a very patient person- at least not in the romantic arena.

Maybe I just need someone to balance me, and wind up with people too much like me instead.

I'm an extremely passionate person, and that's regardless of anything physical. That's simply who I am in my whole life. I've never been very good at indifference, or doing anything halfway. I'm at my best when I'm given something to focus on and it's mine completely. It's how I've always been. So, maybe it shouldn't be any surprise that I lose patience with people who aren't sure if they want me or not. I have yet to have a single ex that hasn't pulled a 180 turn after losing me. As rough as my self image is, I've seen it happen time and again. I'm not sure what it is about who I am that gets people like that, but I've heard the phrase "You're like a drug" enough times that I'm quite sure it's not just a line.

This whole addictive quality, though, has it's downside. I need someone more stable than myself, because, well, being passionate has it's ups and it's downs. More at the beginning than anything else, I need someone who knows I'm what they want, so when I have my second thoughts my partner already knows what he wants and won't just step aside.

Anything worth having is worth fighting for, as the old adage says.

When I get mad, I don't necessarily want someone who's going to be ultra-calm (nothing pisses me off more, to be honest, than someone who seems to have a lack of emotion), but someone who's going to be able to keep that rational hold on their perspective, even when emotions get deep. I do better each day, I think, on keeping mine on a leash, but I am who I am, and, particularly with someone I love, I won't always want to keep what I'm feeling under wraps.

It doesn't surprise me when someone calls me after things end. I know this sounds downright ego maniacal, but it's the truth, because that's what happens. The part that never seems to fail to throw me is how indifferent I am to someone who comes back in my life after they've already walked away.

Maybe it's abandonment issues.

I don't know.

It's just the way I am, and, you know what the really crazy part is?

I'm really effing tired of feeling like I should apologize for who I am.