Switch It Up

Isn't it just like God to let you stumble along, believing something that sure sounded true and served you well until that exact moment He needed you to wake up, and then KABLOW! Here's this realization that just dive-bombed you like mosquito on a hot day, and you're left with this big, itchy bump that's going to bug you for a week until it heals into being part of your healthy-again body.

*sigh*

So, Chap had told me, over and over again 'Love is pushed, without being pushed away.'

I've lived with this understanding since the first time it proved right- the people who really cared were never pushed away.

Now, here comes that twist.

Rock Star is an amazing person, and a truly wonderful man. I really can't, at this point, understand why any woman would let him go- though I know that he's got his faults like the rest of us, and I'm still in the early stages of all of this, whatever it is that this is or is going to be. I'm getting to that point where I always push folks away. I like him, I've trust him and let him in on a lot, but now... I don't want to be hurt. I let him in. If he walks away, this is the point where it's going to be a risk of pain to me. This is that turning point. My natural instinct? Screw this, let's go. Push him away.

I don't want to push him away.

He cares about me enough that he will step back if that's what I show him I want. I have no doubt about this, especially with as much as he knows about my past. He'd understand WHY I'd want to push him away, and, so, he'll let me.

Sometimes, maybe, you will have to stay tough and say 'I'm not going anywhere' and that might be what love is for some people, and at some points for people who care about each other. However... sometimes caring about someone, apparently, is having the balls to fight yourself and not push them away in the first place...

Even if it is easier to avoid the pain.

"Being a grown up sucks!" -Stewie Griffin