Once again, I find myself so ashamed of being absorbed in my self-pity, I'm struggling with the thought of turning to my Father to tell him what's on my mind.
So, here's the creative equivalent.
I am drowned in my own darkness right now, so I look outside myself for inspiration- and I found it.
K'naan is a young man from Somalia, and a Muslim, according to the Wikipedia article. He's someone who's absolutely fascinated me on a number of levels since the moment I first heard his voice. He's an incredible artist. I suppose his music would probably fall under the hip hop label fairly easily, but, after hearing the strength in his words, the lack of violence, hate, or anger, I can't help but think we may need an alternative name. So much hip hop focuses on ego and gang/sex/alcohol culture. This music sounds almost religious with it's message of strength and survival.
I have been trying to stop swearing, and had promised myself one night that, before I PCS in July, I will have reached this goal. Listening to this music, so REAL, so overwhelming, and not a vulgar phrase to be found, makes me see how much more necessary and reasonable this goal is. I overheard a conversation in the latrine out at Warrior Base the other day, and it was two women (of course, what would I be doing in the men's latrine?!) discussing vulgarity. Swearing has never bothered me much, though there have been times I really shied away from it. These women spoke about it for a while, saying it didn't "offend" them, but that neither of them swore, and they quickly came to the conclusion that they both avoided it for the same reason: it did not add to their point or words, it detracted. It was extra, they agreed, something unnecessary and often representing a lack of forethought or confidence of the speaker.
Well, it makes sense, doesn't it?
I can't recall if I made the vow to myself before or after overhearing this conversation, but I do recall that they were not linked thoughts.
I have so many things going on in my head... I read a blog earlier, I fail to recall where, but it was one of the many anti-racism blogs I read, and it was putting down Lady Gaga. I'm not a huge Gaga fan, to be upfront with you, as she just seems like she's fighting a little too hard for that limelight to belong in it, but the reason they were putting her down was what really, really bothered me. They very eloquently, and with collaboration from a few big names, said she was trying to act black, and behave as though she knew what it was like to be a minority.
....Wait, what?
Aren't stereotypes what we're trying to fight here? How are you saying she's stealing from your culture while being upset at people for labeling it your culture? Look, maybe this is another "White Girl Fail" on my part, but that doesn't make a lick of sense to me. I'm not going to say everyone who's ever tried to absorb parts of cultures not their native has done it gracefully, hell, sometimes they wound up being so offensive in this attempt that they completely screwed up any hope they ever had of being deemed less than racist when their intent was the opposite, but, well, I don't personally care if someone wants to adopt parts of my Native heritage, or Gypsy heritage, or European or Irish heritage, if it's something that calls out to them. If I get told one more time that I'm not supposed to do something or behave some way because I'm a white girl (for the record, I do not identify as white) I may truly snap. I understand there are still some wounds that haven't healed, but the majority of folks are not trying to 'steal' anything. There are racist people out there, and I understand that, but not all of them are white folks. When I'm pushed out of the way by a Black woman so that she can hand a flyer for a children's charity to the Black man I walked into the store with, and she has nothing to say when I tell him, in front of her that my money must not be good enough, well, tell me how that's not racist. I don't believe in REVERSE racism. Racism is a steady river- it does not just change direction with the tide like the ocean- it is still racism, no matter who is at which end of it. If you want to have a real conversation with me about race, I'm all ears. Just understand that I will not disrespect you, and I expect you to have the same bearing. I will never tell anyone just to 'get over it' because I understand how deeply the wounds of racism can hurt, though I don't pretend to know what it's like to be someone born into a family who has experienced racism for generations. I have no doubt that this is a wound much deeper than my own. My parents never spoke to me of racism, because they appear as any other 'white' folks, and grew up in the Northeast, where their race is hardly unusual. I was born in Las Cruces, New Mexico. Both Apaches and Mexicans looked down upon me for what 'my people' did to theirs. To be stabbed by someone I'd known since Kindergarten simply for being white, to be told by a boy that he couldn't ever like me because his mom would be very mad if he liked a white girl, to grow up knowing many of the holidays and discussions were ones I was not privy to was something that I took as being the way it was for people like me.
I'm not playing the Oppression Olympics here- I do not intend to compare my experiences with anyone else in a way to say that I have had it worse than anyone. I am simply frustrated at my experiences, at my feelings being invalidated by folks because I must not understand. I am tired of keeping my mouth shut at work about music, food, almost everything, because at least one person in my office will, at a minimum, look at me like I've lost my mind for putting my two cents in on anything that 'belongs to their culture'. I am not Black, nor am I Hispanic, Jamaican, Dominican, Haitian... I don't claim to have the same genes as you. I do, however, like the same music, and many of the religions and cultures around the world have fascinated me enough that I know a great deal more than folks expect me to. I am not allowed, though, to ask a fellow Soldier if they have heard of a hip hop artist that I recently stumbled across if they are Black because I am 'white' and must be disrespecting them and doubting their knowledge of "their music". I can't comment on a song by a Black artist without being immediately asked if I even know the artist's name, or ethnicity, etc. Fighting just not to be labeled or prejudged is, apparently, a losing battle for the "White Girl".
I was blessed enough, while I was in the field, to be asked about my faith a few times. While it never launched into a major conversation on it, I was grateful even to be able to spread awareness about a Faith so quietly observed, and so rarely mentioned. Many Baha'is are afraid to appear pushy about our faith, and understandably so. Religion has a history of forcing itself on others. The Baha'i faith is about 150 years old, I believe, and has yet to become a 'force' of any sort, something I am truly proud of. I'd much rather see someone happy and contributing to their communities in a positive way but without believing much of anything specific than someone who feels the need to preach and lecture to their peers about their faith and what they must do to be right. Do I think most people would be happier if they believed what I do in the way that I do? I don't have a doubt about it. I have been so much stronger, so much happier since I found a faith that allows me to question and educate myself, and still believes I should be holding myself to only the highest standards. My best qualities are fortified by my faith, because it's so plain for me to see why I have been created as I have now that I see so much more. I really hope I am around to see the later stages of the age known as Entry By Troops, where more and more people become Baha'i, where it becomes more and more apparent to the whole world what this faith means... I think the world will become a more and more beautiful place as people flock to the ideas of unity and community service, of equality, of friendship and respect. I already see the changes in the world for the better- I have since before I was a Baha'i- the awareness of what we must do to improve our world is growing at a startling rate, awareness of injustices and problems in the world is a daily discussion for so many now. We're learning. Whether you are Baha'i, Buddhist, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Confucian, or Christian Scientologist is of no mind to me, so long as you love your brother as yourself.
So many things rattling around in my brain right now....
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