Sitting On The Rocks, Under The Stars

We sat there, on the bank of a river, the moon and stars shining in plain sight, leaning on each other and on the rock behind us. As I told him about my past, the rapes, the pain, the medications, the alcohol, he listened. He listened. He reached over and put his arm around me when it started getting harder for me to tell him the things I'd seen. It's been a long time since any of it was hard to talk about- it's an old story at this point, the pain is built in, the plot of my story one I've told so many times that it doesn't really phase me to tell it anymore. It seems like something I read somewhere, or a movie I watched, usually. As I told him my story, though, I remembered it, moment by moment, fear by fear, emotion by emotion. I remembered each time I questioned my own judgement, and what I felt when the detective accused me of being racist and accusing this guy of something he didn't do... I remember the feeling of my stomach clenching, and wanting to scream at her, but being too polite not to. I remember wondering if they'd arrest me for something as I ran out of the police department, into the arms of a husband I'd been planning to divorce, and who'd been planning to divorce me, until only days prior. He was determined to protect me, though.

I sat there, looking at the water running, at the otter swimming for shore, and telling my story to someone who hadn't known me for a day yet. I leaned up and kissed his cheek, several times. I felt safe there, despite opening myself up and actually going through the pain in my head again, when I hadn't felt it in so long. This man that didn't know me held me and listened. We talked about God, we talked about faith, we talked about all the things I believe in. I asked him if he ever felt like he knew why God had made him the way He had. He was the first person to ever answer yes to this question. We were inseparable. We talked about our divorces, about the baby I lost. I made the choice to open up to him that night, I made the choice to not run yesterday, an I made the choice not to give up on whatever this is supposed to be today. It hasn't yet been a week. I don't know what's intended for us, or if he's just another chapter, one that will close as so many others have done, but I do know he's more consistent, more devoted and more a part of me than I understand how to handle so soon. Not closing myself off from this is going to be one of the hardest choices I've ever made because I believe, truly, that this can not possibly work. Yet my heart ignores my mind anyway, and continues on, giving the rest of me no other choice but to follow.

Everyone's going to hurt you, you just have to find the ones worth suffering for. -Bob Marley

I'm not asking you not to hurt me, Rock Star, I'm just asking you to be worth it.